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| happens every freaking year.
every january 1. every day in between.
every day every hour every minute every second every millisecond of my life.
its really stupid.
i hate hearing im "strong" for it.
i can't help but be angry or upset. just moody.
i don't like talking about it. so if i have nothing to say.
JUST LEAVE IT.
especially now. especially the fact that now im more prone to just lash out at anyone and anything possible.
even the slightest thing can tick me off right now. thats the way i get.
and its real stupid.
i should have gone to therapy as a kid. seriously.
i just got a stupid school counselor. who did nothing for me.
just made me draw freaking pictures. and put together puzzles. how freaking helpful that was.
UGHHHHHHHHHH
this is making me angry. and upset. and lonely.
im seriously screwed up. i feel so screwed up anyway.
im not strong what so ever. you may think so but i dont and im never going to think so.
so dont try to convince me. sorry just dont.
im just so easily aggravated. and that will be one of the many things that would just tick me offfffffff.
now im just ticked off. about this. and im still gonna post this. which is stupid.
but i dont care. i wrote this out. might as well.
JKAHFIAUSHIRUAWUIRAWB whateverrrrrrr.
effff this. and everything ajksgjasyya. | | |
| something must be wrong with me.
since i can never think of a decent conversation anymore.
so it seems.
fanfreakintastic.
how come i can't do or say anything right anymore? :l | | |
| suddenly this year.
i feel like. everythings just pressing down on me.
theres so much pressure for everything.
so much pressure to pass classes.
coughapphysicscough.
to look for colleges. do college apps.
but manage that while doing homework and studying for tests.
i have no time for myself anymore. its disgusting.
but ive got my upsides.
this weekend danielle came home. i havent seen her for an entire month!
so i was very happy to see her:DDDD
i missed her a lot.
butttttt. i must admit [sorry danielle :P]
that there is someone i miss more.
someone i miss soooooooo more. my studmuffin of 7 months<3
everything seems to be so much harder for us now :l
with everything going on for me. and everything going on for him.
its hard to get a phone call in. especially if one os us, normally me, is falling asleep. or is out. or is just plain busy.
its just hard to make them at good enough times, ya know?
and i feel bad cause i havent been able to talk to him for a few days:[
i really miss his voice. i miss him so much. so so so so so much. to infinity and beyond. and i cant even tell him that.
online. just typing something doesnt mean you mean it. but saying it over a phone. yeh you can hear it.
i havent seen him in a week and im just an utterly terrible mess. i get to see him next weekend though.
although its not long enough for my taste... but still.
i feel so bad i havent been able to talk to him. he tells me not to blame myself.
i dont. really. i mean texting yeh sometimes i forget that phones exist cause im consumed in something.
but i still think im at fault somewhat. i mean i could have sacrificed going to sleep early on friday night to call him.
same for last night.
i know he has been getting annoyed with my lately. i dont blame him. i guess i dont seem to be making much of an effort. idk.
im kinda annoyed with myself. i mean i know i can be better at this. but its just so hard with things going on right now. with applications and college searching and failing ap physics and tests and homework.
sometimes i really feel like my head might explode. i just have to try harder. for our sake. cause i wanna be with him.
so whoever reads this. should know how much i love and care for him. and know how much i wanna be with him.
it might be weird to you. but i can see myself with him. getting married. having kids. that kinda stuff.
and let me tell you. what i see. looks amazing. cause thats what he is. hes nothing less than amazing. hes way way more. more than i ever asked for or deserve.
soooo anywayyyyy. im going to finally send in my penn state app tomorrow. kristina just helped me finish it :]
crossing my fingers i get accepted!!!! i wanna go there.
and if not. oh well i tried. my top 2 school choices, based on majors, are the lions and panthers. penn state and adelphi.
although im not going to adelphi for him. its just an extra perk :DDD getting too see him wheneverrr i want<3241
nsfuaiiuwewayui college. omfg. aahhhhhhhh.
aifysurwyehrkjbwamrf i wanna leave her so bad. i honestly wont miss it here.
ill only really miss my dad. i feel bad leaving him. i lvoe him so much.
but whatever. i cant stand being here anymore. everything going on behind my back. its no fun.
btw. did i mention that im a horrible kidddd. yeh i did have the SAT that day. but i COMPLETELY and totally forgot.
it was my moms birthday october 4th. i remembered it like 2 days ago when i was going to sleep.
its getting really bad. i havent visited her since. christmas i think. i forgot to go for mothers day and easter. and all those kinds holidays.
im getting real bad at being a deceased womans daughter. its like i dont remember her. which is kinda true. since i never really knew her. akhfiuahruawhha.
im not going to uncover that can of wormsss. lol thats the weirdest saying everrrrr.
whatever. the only thing i seem im good at these days. is getting down on myself.
ARGGGGGG I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREEEEEEEEEE IM GOING INSANEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
later kidsssss. | | |
| is this. lol.
i dont remember the last time i was on this.
but ive been getting a lot of updates in my inbox.
so i figured i decided to post something.
in case anyone does read this.
which is really unlikely lol.
so senior year sucks.
i dont like brunetti.
im failing ap physics and ap poly sci.
and college apps are ridic.
ooh ooh and p tuzz sucks. hate her.
with every fiber in my being.
shes no help. at all. what an ass.
i havent gotten sleep in the past few weeks.
i did horrible on the SAT last week. or so i believe.
so now im taking it november1. which ruins my halloween.
im so depressed being a senior. i dont wanna leave.
the big picture is wednesday. college apps are due.
OMGGGGG. :[
one good thing is i got to pick out the paint for the concert choir room.
OH and i get to paint a mural on it too :]
its cute. or i hope itll be.
and me and christiana are fantastical bakers.
we make really yummy pies.
i cant wait to make buffalo wings :D | | |
| this is me. PMSing.
i need to get new underwear.
so paulina decides well go to target.
and all they have are thongs or boyshorts or nothing in my size.
so that pissed me off right off the bat.
and i needed them for sunday.
and i refuse to go tomorrow to get underwear.
and then i got hungry at around 530ish.
so at 6 i call the parents and ask when theyll be home.
they said A HALF HOUR. at SIX THIRTY.
and that theyd take us out to eat.
so me and paulina dont want to go out to eat.
so we had our heart set on wendys.
so they get home. at fucking SEVEN TEN.
were hungry enough as it is.
we ask for wendys.
my dad says no.
and that now hes making his stupid god damned burgers.
and i dont want his fucking burger.
IM SICK OF HIS BURGER THAT WE HAVE EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAYY.
and not only that.
but im fucking STARVING now. since 530 til 730.
TWO MOTHER FUCKING HOURS.
and i have to wait LONGER now for his god damned burgers to fucking cook on the fucking stupid grill outside in this stupid weather.
I. AM. SO. FUCKING. MAD.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKINGG MADDDD !!!!!!!!!
and not to mention.
lucky me.
i get to stay fucking home. DOING NOTHING. on this amazing day.
AND I HAVE TO PACK TOMORROW.
SO I CANT DO ANYTHING TOMORROW.
I FUCKING.
HATE.
THIS.
I JSUT WANTED FUCKING WENDYS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | | |
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